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Submitted on
October 11, 2007
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There’s a bomb in my head and his name is Fibromuscular dysplasia, he’s been around for a few years it seems but has only now introduced himself – I call him F.M.D.

There’s a bomb in my head and he whispers songs of death in my ear. Like a string of pearls is how the doctors describe him, but to me he’s a sick artery that feeds blood to my brain. We wouldn’t know he was there but for reasons unknown I can suddenly hear him whispering in my ear – ‘whoosh, whoosh, rattle”. Not unlike the sounds you hear when you see an ultrasound on TV with smiling parents joyful at the sound of their baby’s heart. But no one smiles when they hear F.M.D, it’s a sick raspy cavitating sound and I hear it in my head every second. “Whoosh, whoosh, rattle”.

There’s a bomb in my head and he won’t let me sleep. Throughout the day I am acutely aware of my pulse; how every emotion, action and breath can change its flow and rhythm. I’ve had many tests in the past few days, MRI, CT, and Ultra-Sound as they struggle to figure F.M.D. out; I’m lucky I hear the sound they say or we wouldn’t know. I don’t feel lucky in the dead of night when there is nothing but me and the song of F.M.D. going “whoosh, whoosh, rattle”.

There’s a bomb in my head and he makes people lie. I’m living an episode of a TV medical drama but I’m the man on the table in the ill-fitting gown listening quietly while experts talk to specialist then turn to me and lie, it’s not that bad they say in one breath – then in the next they have nurses’ clear schedules to make my tests happen now. Forced smiles, forced calm – “whoosh, whoosh, rattle”.

There’s a bomb in my head and he’s turning me mad. It’s not the knowing it’s the hearing. It’s one form of fear to know you’re at risk of a stroke, but to hear it in your head second after second - a whispering song that might end in your death. Maybe it never comes, maybe I take my aspirin and live a long life, but the bomb in my head is singing to me ‘whoosh, whoosh, rattle’ and the toll is growing. I’m like a shark; I can’t stop doing or I hear to the song too loud in my head. “Whoosh, whoosh, rattle.” “Whoosh, whoosh, rattle.” “Whoosh, whoosh…”
It is a bit cathartic for me to post this, if I don't write it down I'll just keep going over it in my head.
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:iconkit-kat-abk:
kit-kat-abk Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2008
:( I have so much respect for you right now it's unreal! I mean, I already held you in great regard before, as an artist....but you're just an amazing person. My prayers are with you...you will get through this! :hug:
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:iconaddr010:
addr010 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you :hug:
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:iconkit-kat-abk:
kit-kat-abk Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2008
You are so welcome...there's really no more I can say... :hug:
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:iconaddr010:
addr010 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks luv :hug:
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:iconblackcatsangel:
BlackCatsAngel Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2007
Thats some pretty heavy stuff. But remember that you CAN take charge of this situation.

you can either say FMD has me OR I have FMD and I am going to do all I can to fix it.

The best thing about this situation is that you have it - and I am sure that the doctors will do all they can to treat it.

Stay positive though - I am sending you healthy and healing thoughts!

Love and light,

Mel
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:iconaddr010:
addr010 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
:heart: :hug:
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:iconblackcatsangel:
BlackCatsAngel Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2007
You WILL get through this - use your art to help you :D
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:iconaddr010:
addr010 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
thank luv, it has been very up and down the past few days...
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:iconblackcatsangel:
BlackCatsAngel Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2007
My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour this time last year and it was one of the scariest times of our lives so I know how scary this kinda situation is. I was thinking that I would have to be preparing mums funeral within a short amount of time, but luckily the tumour isn't growing nor is it cancerous thank goodness.

If you ever want to chat you're welcome to.

Love Mel
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:iconaddr010:
addr010 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much, it can be pretty tough some days - thanks for the support :hug:
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